300 iPhones

by Tanner Godarzi Aug 10, 2007

Like all great inventors before him, the boy was inspected to make sure his mind was not delusional or crazy. By the time he could stand he was immersed in the ways of technology. Taught never to give up, taught never to violate NDAs, taught that creating was the greatest glory he could achieve in his life….

At an early age, it was customary for the boy to be plunged into a world of metal, electricity, and circuitry. Manufactured by nearly 300 years of technology, starting with the discovery of electricity, to be manufactured as the greatest innovator the world has ever known.

The training forces the boy to do what is necessary, to stay up for longer than 36 hours, strike seemingly unethical deals to do what he must to create. By soldering and electrocution, he was punished for his mistakes to show no fear, to do what others have failed to do before him.

He was constantly tested, thrown into Palo Alto, left to test his skills and mind against the fury of Silicon Valley. It was his acceptance, he would return to his company a CEO, or not at all.

Rivals begin to circle him, corporate offices the size of stadiums, power beyond all imagination, money beyond comprehension. It approaches, slowly, enjoying the scent of yet another competitor to fall before its tremendous might, savoring the monopoly it would soon have.

It is not bankruptcy that grips him but a heightened sense of things. The press release that would soon be sent out, the whole industry watching with eagerness. His product ready, his form perfect….

And so the boy, given up to the jaws of the industry returns to his company! To sacred Apple a CEO! Our CEO Steve Jobs!

It has been more than 10 years since the competition’s defeat and the overthrowing of a company. Now and then a beast approaches, massive and merciless. Savoring the monopoly to come, this beast has crushed governments and startups alike, an army of technology beyond imagining ready to destroy each other if need be, ready to devour tiny Apple, to snuff out the world’s one shop for shiny white things and multi touch goodness.

A beast approaches, it was Steve Jobs himself who provoked it…

Messengers from the FCC approach Cupertino, intimidating those who dare gaze upon the small group. At the very doorsteps of one infinite loop they pull out the bankruptcy reports of companies who defied them—AMP’d Mobile, Bell South, SBC, and Ameritech—but the list of the conquered was greater.

Just as the messenger arrives, Steve Jobs is disturbed from the training of his apprentice, his identity kept secret from most of Apple save for a select few.

“What do you bother me with?” Steve calmly says.

“A messenger from the FCC awaits for you, sire.”

The doors of 1 Infinite Loop open with a deafening roar, the crowd that had gathered quickly turns to gaze upon Steve Jobs as he approaches.

“Eric, it looks like you find yourself needed for once.”

“I was just, er, entertaining your guest, sire” Eric hastily replied.

“Before you speak messenger, know that in Apple I invented the friggin iPod, if you want one, there is an Apple Store down the road, now speak!” Steve roared.

Almost defiantly to what he had just said, mockingly the messenger informs the CEO of what he must provide: licensing fee and unlocked phones.

“You come all the way from the FCC, for licensing fees and the demand that I unlock my phones?”

“Do not be sarcastic nor greedy, for you find neither here at Apple,” Jonathan Ives responded, who was standing feet away from Steve.

Infuriated at his outburst, the messenger questions how a designer can speak amongst men.

“Because only Apple employees design real products.”

Just as the messenger was about to stir a heated debate, Steve took him within the confines of 1 Infinite Loop to further discuss the current issue and avoid unnecessary conflict.

“If you value your company’s fate, know this, Steve Jobs. FCC chairman Kevin J. Martin buys up what he rests his eyes upon, he leads a monopoly so massive their phones and services can knock an entire country’s power grid offline, so powerful it can deafen entire communities and so powerful it can conquer cities.”

“All the god chairman Kevin requires is a simple offering of licensing fees and a batch of unlocked phones, a token of Apple’s submission to the will of the FCC.”

All stop quickly, silently panicking at the enemy all will face, all fear for their jobs and are intimidated by the messenger’s word, all but one. The CEO keeps his cool and briefly considers the dire fate.

“Submission, now that’s a bit of a problem here at Apple. Rumor has it Microsoft turned you down and if those idiots and monkey boys have that kind of nerve….”

“We must be diplomatic….” Eric quickly replied as if to quell the disagreement.

“And of course Apple has their reputation to consider,” in a deafening roar to silence Eric.

“Choose your next words wisely, Steve, for they may be your last as CEO.”

Steve turned to face his company and his employees, studying their expressions, determining their fate. He thinks of the demands of the FCC and quickly makes his decision, unsheathing his iPhone.

“Mad man! This is madness!”

“Licensing fees and unlocked phones, oh you’ll find plenty of both down there!” eyeing the bottomless pit in front of him.

“No man, Apple, or FCC threatens a messenger!” attempting to fight for his survival, to convince the CEO to let him be.

Through gritted teeth Steve roars, “You bring the heads of bankrupt companies to my company steps, you insult my designer and threaten my employees with layoffs and pay decreases. Oh I’ve chosen my words wisely messenger, perhaps you should have done the same!”

“This is blasphemy, this is madness!” The messenger, already aware of what will happen, says.

Looking towards his board of directors to affirm he can do what must be done, he gets a nod and turns back.

“Madness?” Steve questions.

“This is Apple!” Steve yells, his voice filling the entire room, and kicks this defiant pest down the bottomless pit. The rest of Apple follows suit, pushing what remains down as well.

“Ives! Give me an iPhone!” Steve throws it down, Phil questions his motive. “Call him back in 10 minutes to make sure he is still falling, publish in our next ad campaign that the iPhone still gets a signal in bottomless pits.”

As soon as the violent event is forgotten, Steve travels to the heart of Cupertino to consult the oracle. He is welcomed by a wretched figure, creatures left over from the 80s, beings that held no purpose yet could sway the minds of men and could decide the future of a company in seconds. Words so powerful, yet with little backing.

Beings even Steve Jobs must bribe, must beg, and no CEO has gone into a format war without their cursed blessing, they toy and manipulate the market to fuel their entertainment.

“The FCC claims their devices number in the billions, I hope for our sake they are wrong.” Steve describes his plan to them, only to be stopped; their interest is not in what Steve will do but what payment he brings, for their answer had been determined. Apple spills the blueprints of the second generation iPhone, as he was the only one in possession of such a thing.

Steve continues on but his words fall on deaf ears. Before the final decision can be made the oracle will be consulted.

“Steve, you realize September approaches! The fall iPod event is nigh upon us and you have no 6th generation model, Apple wages no war!”

“Apple will burn to the ground! Her employees will be laid off and left to waste!” Steve nervously and quickly utters.

Continuing on with his battle plan he is cut off, for the oracle must make the final decision. The words Steve fears are said, their answer the opposite of what the CEO wants, for he cannot defy the oracle, their words are law and no person, designer or manager, employees or even CEOs, are above the law.

As Steve leaves their true intention is revealed. Eric Schmidt approaches and snatches the blueprints, their attempt to convince Apple of submission had seemed like a success….

The next morning Steve approaches with a small army, 300 iPhones and the best Apple has to offer assembled by Phil Schiller himself. Steve inspects only the front to evaluate what he fights with and not to judge the quality of his soldiers, even noting that Phil had put in his own iPhone. As they depart they are stopped by the board of directors, questioning them of the war they were to wage.

“Apple is waging no war, these iPhones are 300 of my backups to test the reception we get,” witty Steve says.

The board continued to question his motives and where he would go; AT&T had every part of the US covered. “But has AT&T got the ocean covered?” Steve retorted.

“You intend to march to the mouth of Silicon Valley? What can we do?!?” The board cries in despair. “Exactly, what can you do,” Steve sarcastically says….

The Apple army marches towards the mouth of Silicon Valley, that narrow corridor where numbers count for nothing, where Kevin’s losses will be so great that he will have no choice but to call off his assault on Apple. On they march, the small band of 300 iPhones led by glorious Steve himself. The size of their army is laughable at best but their power lies in their determination, innovation, and their awesome combat skills.

They are eventually stopped by the CEO of Samsung with an even smaller band of soldiers. “What a pleasant surprise Kun Hee-lee! It is great to see you again old friend.”

“Steve, we knew Apple was on the warpath, but with so few soldiers how will you even last a few minutes?” the CEO asks, scared that their best ally would be crushed and that they would lose a huge buyer of flash memory.

“You, Blackjack,” Steve points to one of the phones in the small squad. “What do you do?” A smart phone running Windows Mobile 5, it says. “And you, Samsung Sync.” An inferior music Phone. “And you, SPH-a940.” A crippled media phone. “IPhones! What do you?” Steve roars, the army lets loose an even louder response of their determination to fight. “See old friend, I brought better phones than you did.” “Pft, at least ours can do custom ringtones!” The two continue a light debate as they march on….

There would be no rest that night, for only Steve himself would be stirred by the upcoming battle. It is not the impossible odds nor the dire fate but the fact that he has so few to sacrifice. His 50 years had been a straight path to this moment, the moment where Steve could prove himself to all of the technology world.

The army marched on the next morning, the lead iPhone informed Steve of the gruesome scene before them. An Apple Store had been burned down along with the remainder of what surrounded it, everything ablaze. A scout had determined their numbers to be less than a dozen. “LG Pradas,” Steve muttered under his breath.

They all took battle formation when they saw a shadow approach, as it got closer it appeared to be an iPod Nano. Steve picked it up, its screen flickering on and off before saying one thing: “They came from Best Buy, they came with monstrous beasts and left only me.” The iPod Nano died in his hands, which only motivated Steve more to continue and face this wretched enemy.

“I found the survivors!” They all turned to face the horrid scene, electronics littered the recycle bins. “The iPod speaks of the FCC’s beasts, the hunters of men’s souls as well as the life of all machines, we can’t defeat them, not these LG Pradas.” Kun Hee-lee frightfully speaks. “LG Prada, we’ll put their name to the test.”

Into Silicon Valley we marched, that narrow corridor we marched. Well-designed and free iPhones alike marched, related batches or not we marched. For glory’s sake, for Steve’s sake, and for the survival of Apple we marched.

“LGs, Nokias, Motorolas!” We yelled but we marched on, these wretched phones, embraced by Silicon Valley themselves but for them, Apple was the least of their worries.

A storm batters their ships with hurricane forces, sinking each one by one in a glorious spectacle. IPhones and Samsungs celebrated, but only one kept his Apple reserve in his jeans and turtleneck, only our CEO.

The next day an emissary had arrived upon only a small band of iPhones and Samsungs; the rest were preparing for battle while the few had created a wall to channel the invaders into Silicon Valley.

A text message from the FCC chairman himself had arrived on a large craft demanding their leader; he was promptly brushed off.

“Do you think the paltry dozen of you scares us? This valley crawls with every type of phone you can imagine, along with superb reception.”

“Our founders built this wall from the buzzom of Silicon Valley herself, with a little Apple innovation your Motorolas supplied the mortar,” a lone iPhone had said, picking up a sword.

“You will pay for your barbarism!” the text message quickly retorted, picking up a whip to attack but the iPhone was faster for it was quickly chopped up.

“My attachments!” it wailed in pain. “They’re not yours anymore, go now, tell your FCC chairman he faces iPhones, not smartphones.”

“Smartphones? No, you will suffer a fate much worse, by noon today you will all be deactivated. No, your iMacs will be slaves, your iPod, your MacBooks and your MacBook Pros will serve our will. The thousand carriers of the Cellular empire descend upon you! Our towers will blot out the sun!”

“Then we will dial in the shade,” the lone iPhone responded, quickly sending off that annoyance.

The captain of the iPhone army informed Steve of the status of the wall, that it would hold and do its job, but he was more concerned about any counter attacks.

A deformed Newton approached from the side. It was no ordinary Newton but a prototype, although it towered over the iPhone. “Sire, sire! There is a hidden path, it could be used against you…”

“Not one more step, prototype!” the captain angrily yelled.

“I gave no such command, speak Newton.”

“Please, Steve Jobs, allow me to redeem my creator. As the Newton project was scrapped I was left to rust away unless he be fired. Allow me to fight for you, I will destroy many phones!”

The Newton showed off his weak fighting skills, only to be denied by Steve. “Newton there was a reason I scrapped that project, some of us were not meant to be PDAs. Now go bug Woz or whatever, I gotta deal with some FCC morons.”

The Newton left, cursing Steve while all the while a loud rumble approached. “Earthquake, Steve.”

“No, battle formation, and besides, the stampede of fanboys wanting the iPhone was like 10 times worse; grand army, my butt.”

The army of iPhones led by Steve Jobs assembled at the mouth of Silicon Valley. Motorolas, LGs, Nokias all clamored towards us. Sprint, Verizon, Vodafone, every carrier led these vast armies. Blackberries, Erricsons, Treos all marched.

This is where we hold them!” Roared Steve. “This is where they buy our shiny white products! This is where we battle these idiots!”

A small LG came to the front, demanding they surrender. “Apple, deactivate your iPhones!” A few moments of silence went by before the demand was made once more. A spear was flung and went through the phone’s LCD.

“Come and get them!”

And then as a whole they rushed towards the small army of 300 iPhones. As one they racketed against the shields of iPhones. They were pushed back until all movement was stopped. In an incredible act of strength they pushed the entire front of the assault, destroying each one in a swift thrust of their spears.

This was repeated several times until the Motorolas in front had been destroyed. They advanced to open ground farther away from the narrow corridor, cracking LCDs, ripping out batteries, and crushing keypads. The front assault had been diminished until only a small band was left on the edge of the cliff against the 300 iPhones.

“Their warranties are expired, to the cliffs!”

And one by one they were tossed into the ocean, their warranties surely voided; they weren’t waterproof after all.

“A good start Steve!” yelled the iPhones, only to look up and see that the FCC had held true to its word; massive Cell towers were erected, blocking out all rays of light. Their signals degraded their radios with various frequencies.

“Shields up!”

Signal after signal had hit hard on iPhone shields, only to be reflected. An iPhone started laughing, “you had to say it, didn’t you! Dial in the shade!” They all soon starting laughing. “Let me text Johnny on this”, said Steve. He quickly typed out, “iPhones work even under FCC assault,” then emailed him a picture.

As soon as it was over, the 300 recovered, none damaged or hurt. They went farther up the coastline, deflecting every attack thrown at them; by the dozens they fell and for the day, the battle was over and Apple had been victorious.

“Pile those phones high!” From the battle they destroyed many phones, which Steve demanded be used to build a bigger wall, for a stronger assault was coming.

“Steve, Steve!” an iPhone scout came running towards him. “There is a band of Treos up ahead, too small for an attack but too big to not be anything, will you be going alone?”

“Duh, I am Steve Jobs, I could probably walk on water if I wanted, and besides, there’s no reason we can’t be civil?”

“None sire,” just as the captain put a spear through the LCD of a Nokia.

Steve traveled up the coast to be greeted by his enemy, the god chairman himself Kevin J. Martin.

“I take it you are Kevin!’

The god chairman descended from his traveling throne which was carried by a dozen Treos.

“Come Steve, let us reason together, it would be a waste, nothing short of madness for you brave CEO if your iPhones were to be banned from sale in the USA or even the world. There are many patents we could share.”

“Oh I’ve noticed, we’ve been sharing our patents with you all morning,” Steve mockingly responded.

“Even now you are defiant, yours is a fascinating company and even in the presence of a god chairman. Just think what horrible fate awaits my competitors when I would gladly bankrupt a company to achieve victory.”

“And I would sacrifice mine for the pursuit of innovation, heck I’ve done it once already.”

“Just imagine Steve, the very company you fight for, your products all turned to ash. Bloggers arrested for uttering the very name of Apple of the iPhone, Wikipedia entries deleted. The blogosphere will never know you existed!”

“You have many patents Kevin, but few good phones. It won’t be long before you friggin idiots are bowing down to me.”

“It is not bankruptcy they fear but my divine power. I am a generous Chairman, I can make you rich beyond all measure, entire spectrums opened for your use, I will make you vice president of the FCC. Your rivals will kneel at your feet if you but kneel at mine.”

You are generous; only an idiot could refuse such an offer but kneeling will be a problem, see I just bought this pair of jeans, I don’t want them getting dirty now do I?”

You will take no glory in your victory, no one will remember you!”

“The Internet will know that few stood against many, that few fought for innovation and that before this battle is over, even a god chairman can bleed.”

It was then Steve returned to his army to prepare for the assault that had yet to come. Kevin’s words had meant nothing to Steve but his had a lasting effect. Kevin took the bait, he sent his best against us. The LG Pradas, the elite fighting force of the Cellular empire, almost matched to our might, almost. They had secretly served the wills of Verizon, Sprint, and even Kevin himself.

LG Prada, we put their name to the test.

The wall constructed of fallen cell phones falls, the Pradas unready for our assault, but they bring an endless army and one phone that refuses to go down, one different yet similar to the rest, it hungers for iPhones and picks up an axe, Steve Jobs in sight. The weapon is thrown but an iPhone pulls him down, the axe skimming his hair. The monster approaches our CEO, who is seemingly unaffected by his attacks.

Sword thrusts and spear throws do nothing but anger the beast. It puts up a fight but is eventually felled, cut in half through the LCD by a sword. The LG Pradas fall in great numbers and fail our CEO’s test. A chairman who fancies himself a god feels a very human chill crawl up his spine.

For the second time that day we win yet another victory against Kevin’s army and the next proves no different.

Whips crack, Blackberries approach, those in back shout forward, those in front cry back only to be slain by the spears of Apple. We witness the monstrous phones summoned from every corner of the Cellular Empire.

A thousand carriers descend upon us but when their muscle fails they turn to marketing, which does nothing but fail against our attacks, they can do nothing but fall in great numbers.

Even more monstrous phones are summoned from the depths of Asia itself, untamed and wild along the coast line, but their size accounts for nothing, and they trip and fall over the dead phones.

As soon as we have at hand another victory, a small band appears out of nowhere and takes out Phil’s iPhone, an axe through its LCD. Upon seeing the LCD-less frame of his iPhone, our VP of marketing goes mad, taking out wave after wave of phones and all those crazy enough to stand in his way. His yells are more frightening than even the most fearsome ringtone.

However, a familiar ally approaches Chairman Kevin himself.

“Apple was cruel to shape you in a such way, Steve, to deny you your glory. But I am kind, every pleasure, every desire I will grant you. For I am kind but I ask that you accept me as your ruler and your god.”

“Yes!” The Newton cries out, giving in to his desires at the risk of a whole company.

“Lead my armies to the cursed iPhones and your joys shall be endless! Steve requires you stand, all I ask is that you kneel before me.”

And so the deal is struck that would seal the fate of Steve’s iPhones….

Our men enjoy the victory but mourn the few lost and tend to wounds from the battlefield.

Steve approaches an iPhone with a cracked LCD. “I trust we will not need to be sent to Apple Care for that scratch.”

“No my lord, your product designs saw it fit to grace with another 3 inches of LCD.”

The CEO of Samsung approaches us with all the speed he can muster, frightful for what lays ahead.

“Steve, we are undone! A Newton has led Kevin’s LG Pradas around us! The forces there have been destroyed! We are done for, we have lost, Silicon Valley will fall Steve! We must either retreat, surrender or much worse!”

“Well that is an easy choice; Apple employees and products never surrender and never retreat! You may leave if you wish but tell every fellow technology pioneer to search themselves, and while you are it, search yourself.”

Before dawn the band of Samsung phones leaves us and only an handful of iPhones remain, but one leaves with Steve’s final orders for the board of directors. We prepare for our final attack.

“iPhones! Ready your AC Adapters and charge heartily, for tonight, we dine in Redmond!”

And so the handful that remains prepares for Kevin’s attack, forming a small defense ready for our CEO’s orders; he stand valiantly in front of us, unafraid of what may happen. Our traitor is revealed to us but it is without surprise.

We are surrounded on every corner of the valley, above us, behind us, in front of us and our escape minimal at best.

Once again a messenger approaches Steve with the same demands made before he left Cupertino.

“Steve Jobs! We must congratulate you on pushing out a superior product, you have fought well but your madness and blasphemies will be forgiven! Kevin will pardon you and allow you to leave alive if you lower your weapons and kneel before him.”

Steve considers this for a moment, his stationary comes and takes of his shield, it is very heavy. His helmet removed, it is sweaty from combat.

“Your spear Steve.”

The only chance of defense dropped and Steve falls to his knees, and Kevin is pleased. Their only chance of survival given to them.

“IPhones, NOW!”

They disband from their makeshift hut of shields and spears, they attack fiercely and without care for themselves. Kevin’s army continues to fall before the hands of Apple; even in that narrow corridor where numbers meant nothing it proved false, Kevin had the upper hand. Spears and arrows were unleashed on the remaining iPhones, they fell one by one until only Steve was left. He picked up his spear, his target far.

His shield had hampered his aim for he must throw his spear far, his helmet would not let him see.

For that spear was thrown and it hit his target, it need not be fatal but prove that even a god chairman can bleed….


“Steve! The Apple event is in 20 minutes! We need you now!”

“Relax Phil, I was just making sure iWork actually did work, you guys botched it up last week.”

“Well what were you typing Steve?”

“Ugh, it’ll probably be on the Internet in a few days, I got carried away again.”

“Steve, do you want me to send the Apple Legal Ninjas?”

“No Phil, you can convert them to Spartans and don’t worry, I used your email account anyways.”



  • This is the most worthless AM article I’ve ever tried to read…and understand its meaning. Pathetic…

    Robomac had this to say on Aug 10, 2007 Posts: 846
  • @Robotech Infidel, I thought it was good which is the reason I wrote it, I tried to tie in a bit of Apple humor. Would you care to elaborate.

    Tanner Godarzi had this to say on Aug 10, 2007 Posts: 70
  • lmao “LG Pradas” lighten up robotech =) it’s good to have a few laughs every once in a while in this site.

    Nemin had this to say on Aug 10, 2007 Posts: 35
  • Thanks for the lengthy Fake Steve Jobs novel, Tanner. This is not the place to practice your writing skills, bokay?

    What we need here is Mac insights and creativity not some stupid hangover of a FSJ story.

    It doesn’t give us Mac evangelists anything to add to our arsenals. Hint: genuine Mac inside info please. wink

    Robomac had this to say on Aug 10, 2007 Posts: 846
  • Hey, man. I laughed. Humour’s better thab rumours any day.

    By my count, Tanner, you’ve got 2 positive and one negative.

    James Bain had this to say on Aug 11, 2007 Posts: 33
  • Strewth! Impressive, Tanner. What sets Apple Matters apart from the rest is that “irreverence”. I like it when that irreverence extends to writing something a bit different or in in a different way. I do it myself from time to time.

    That said, you’ve still got to hold the reader’s attention (Please guys, no jokes about me never doing that!). Four and half thousand words was beyond my attention span.

    But I love the technique and I do reckon it is okay to practice your writing skills here - although not every week. What is great about AM is Hadley gives you that chance to find your voice, your method, your individuality. And maybe this is yours. But next time I reckon make it shorter.

    Just my two cents.

    (I hate sites where all the writers sound the same, all practice the same style.)

    Chris Howard had this to say on Aug 12, 2007 Posts: 1209
  • Fantastic.  I have not seen “300” the movie but after reading this I can’t wait.

    Khurt Williams had this to say on Aug 12, 2007 Posts: 7
  • Great work.  The trick is to imagine this narrated by David Wenham.

    That said, I agree with Chris.  It’s way too long.  Other than that—solid.  Can’t wait for the graphic novel version.

    Beeblebrox had this to say on Aug 12, 2007 Posts: 2220
  • @ all saying the post is too long,

    I do agree as the original plan was to do 2 posts on Friday and Monday but it ended up being one.

    Tanner Godarzi had this to say on Aug 12, 2007 Posts: 70
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