If Operating Systems Were Cars

by James R. Stoup Jul 19, 2005

Since several people seemed to like the OS as a store piece I thought I would post this one as well. Once again I am harkening back to an old piece I posted on 2guysamacandawebsite.com. Feel free to enjoy this one as much as you like.

Ever wonder what your car would be like if it were designed like the major operating systems were? Wonder no more. . .

WinCar 95 - This is the car of yesteryear’s yesteryear. Though completely obsolete in every way some people still drive it. It gets 6 mpg, tends to die at odd moments and has a bad habit of catching fire and killing all aboard. Despite these draw backs some owners still have one of these sitting in the garage.

WinCar 98 - This is really just a Win95 model with a slightly better fire-suppression system and a better paint job. Though more advanced than its predecessor major flaws still remain. It might not explode like Win95 did but it does have a tendency to periodically eject you from the car when you go over 55 mph. Oddly enough it too continues to enjoy wide support even though its owners admit that better and cheaper options exist.

WinCar 2000 - This is really just a Win98 model with a much better paint job. Sadly it has numerous problems which were officially renamed “features”. Such features include simultaneously blowing out all four tires, the ability to only roll one window down at a time, the option of buying three more seats so that other people can ride in your car and a windshield made of stained glass. Pretty but not very useful. Win2000 was the most reliable WinCar to date. Sadly, like its predecessors it would sometimes turn a bright shade of blue and completely stop working. Many drivers were killed when this happened to them while driving on interstate.

WinCarME - This was supposed to be the next big thing from WinCars however it turned out to be more like one of those future-cars that people in the 40’s thought we would drive 60 years later. It has lots of flash and dash however its completely useless. This model was discontinued because even under best driving conditions when the car was driven according to the manual it would catch fire, blow a tire, roll over, decapitate you with the airbag and then burn itself into slag. You are more likely to see a Win95 model on the road than this thing.

WinCarXP - Introduced as the latest and greatest from WinCar this was the ultimate in driving experience. Slightly larger than Aircraft Carrier WinXP had the ability to do everything, it just did it poorly. The main downside was the ease with which car thieves could break in and steal your CD player. At first, all they had to do was open the door. After that WinCar did a recall and installed door locks. This didn’t help much because people never locked their doors. After crooks started stealing everything that wasn’t nailed down and then driving the car into a burning building people started locking their doors. However by this time criminals started using coat hangers. Another recall later and anti-coat hanger devices were installed. Soon criminals had so many different ways of breaking into your car that seperate companies sprung up that existed solely to sell you WinClub and similar anti-theft devices. Sadly this trend has been going on for several years with no end in sight.

WinCarLonghorn - This car was going to come out shortly after the horde of critical flaws in XP were discovered. This model was to include warp engines, cloaking fields, time travel portals, anti-criminal auto targeting phasers, telepathic interface etc. Sadly, despite legions of workers, no one at WinCar could seem to really implement these ideas. So, after pushing the deadline back by 4 years and cutting most of the features that was to make this model so special WinCar has decided to just rerelease WinXP with a new paint job and hope no one notices.

AutoMac 7.0-9.2 This was the AppleCar equivalent of WinCar’s 95,98 and 2000 models. Mac’s cars all tended to look the same but were much more reliable than WinCars. Despite being solar powered, coming with custom interiors and stellar reliability sales were sluggish. Many pundits have noticed striking resemblances between a MacCar model and the WinCar model released the next year.

AutoMac X - This is a solar powered, all terrain vehicle that never breaks down and has a crusing speed of 80% the speed of light. Recent editions allow one to not only fly but engage in a high- altitude orbit of the earth. Theft is not a problem because once you exit the car it morphs into a seamless sphere providing no access without the key. Despite having more features than any of the WinCar’s products adoption of this model has been also been slow. Though it should be noted that you will never see one of these on the side of the road with a shirt rolled up in the window.

Unix Motor Works - Originally designed by masochist UnixCar has improved considerably over the years. All models are essentially gun-metal gray cubes with four wheels and a headlight that can inflict fourth degree burns. There is no windshield, instead you navigate using radar and thermal imaging (it takes a little practice to be sure). The first dozen or so models had no gauges, warning lights, indicators or displays at all. Instead that was just one large red bulb that would come on when a problem occurred. Thankfully that feature is long gone (now there are two bulbs!). While not as intuitive as most other manufacturers, UC’s continually produces reliable transportation. Though never one to win any beauty awards this baby will get you were you need to go with utmost security.

TransLinux (formerly known as DIY Car-In-A-Box) - One day a large automaker went out of business. Ex-employees raided the place before the lawyers got there and carried off parts and plans to the current generation of cars. Thus one guy eventually built his own car from scratch. Granted, you could still outrun it on a unicycle but it was a start. Over time a large socialist corporation was formed in which everyone created their own car but put a LinuxCar bumper sticker on it anyway. Currently there are over 4,000 different LinuxCars being sold or given away for free. Some resemble the UnixCar cube design, some favor the more flashy WinCar style while others sport a more Mac/UnixCar hybrid look. Linux cars tend to cater to the specialty crowd more so than any other manufacturer. For example SuCsCar’s Linux model produces cars that are actually suitcases and can thus fold up and be dragged various places. RedLightCar’s Linux model automatically stops at all red lights. KnokItCar’s Linux model is merely four wheels, a seat, steering wheel and an engine attached to a frame. It is advisable to wear eye protection to avoid being blinded by bugs when driving this model. NsCar’s Linux Model is designed for those speed freaks who never go in reverse only like to turn left. On the whole LinuxCars tend to be reliable and secure but some interfaces can leave something to be desired. People who use this car tend to tinker with their auto all the time. Many times while they are driving down the road much to the confusion of other drivers.


  • This is a solar powered, all terrain vehicle that never breaks down and has a crusing speed of 80% the speed of light.

    Your Mac is solar powered?

    Beeblebrox had this to say on Jul 19, 2005 Posts: 2220
  • Actually my G4 is powered by a team of trained gerbils.  They all run in those little wheels which are hooked up to tiny generators.  I was going to put that in the article but then it would just sound silly so I went with solar power instead.

    James R. Stoup had this to say on Jul 20, 2005 Posts: 122
  • seriously. lol.

    foresmac had this to say on Jul 21, 2005 Posts: 20
  • Yes i totally agree with this concept

    New Car Prices

    Rosemary had this to say on May 27, 2011 Posts: 1
  • Page 1 of 1 pages
You need log in, or register, in order to comment